Summary: Pastors often believe people choose their church based solely on personal preference. In reality, church decisions tend to happen at the family level. Spouses, children, and extended family all play a part in deciding where to go. Recognizing this subtle yet powerful dynamic can help you create experiences that resonate with everyone in the household.
Families Don’t Decide Alone
Research shows that families rarely make decisions in isolation. In fact, studies in consumer behavior reveal that different family members often act as influencers, decision-makers, or gatekeepers when it comes to major choices (Martensen, 2008). The same holds true when deciding where to worship. A spouse may raise a concern, a child may mention a friend’s church, or grandparents may encourage trying a certain congregation. These conversations at home often set the stage long before anyone walks through your doors.
The Influence of Spouses and Parents
Spouses frequently influence one another’s decisions. Even if one spouse enjoys the preaching, if the other feels overlooked or disconnected, the family is less likely to stay. Research also shows that parents tend to filter decisions through the lens of their children’s experiences (ResearchGate). A strong kids’ program doesn’t just serve children. It reassures parents that the church is a safe, meaningful place for the whole family.
Don’t Underestimate the Kids
Children and teens often carry more weight in the decision than pastors realize. If they feel bored, excluded, or disconnected, parents will quickly look elsewhere. On the other hand, when kids are excited about church because they made friends, had fun, or felt cared for, it becomes a powerful reason for families to return week after week.
This is why it’s so important to think beyond one age group and look at the household as a whole. Kids, parents, and even grandparents each have different expectations of church. For more on how to communicate across these generational lines, check out my post on Bridging Generational Gaps in Ministry Marketing.
Action Step: Evaluate the Whole Family Experience
This week, take a walk through your church as if you were visiting with your family. Ask yourself: Would my spouse feel connected? Would my children be engaged? Would my teen feel like they belong? For even better feedback, ask actual families in your congregation what influenced their decision to stay. Their answers may surprise you.
Final Thought
Family decisions are never made by one person alone. They’re made together. When you intentionally create experiences that meet the needs of the whole household, you’re not just filling pews. You’re laying the groundwork for lasting engagement and generational influence.
